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Thursday, January 30, 2014

Starting over on my own

This blog has always been a window into my life. It's an authentic, through-my-eyes recounting of the places I've visited, the people I've met, and the things I've seen and enjoyed. It's easy to write about the fun times, the beautiful things, and the wonderfulness that I'm lucky to call my life. Much more challenging has been to write about difficult and heart breaking events.

This is one of the hardest posts I've ever felt compelled to write. How much to share without sharing too much? To come to the point: My marriage is ending and I will be relocating in the near future to a new city, a new state, and a new beginning. Exactly where and when will be determined in the coming weeks or months.

Why? While I've been fortunate to be part of a marriage that, while unconventional, seemed to sustain itself on the trust and independence my husband and I mutually shared, it was also a relationship that often drove us apart due to many differences in our personalities.

"Opposites attract," I'd tell myself whenever I felt the gnawing fear we were becoming less compatible.

For now faith, the love and kindness of family and friends, Kitai, my
trailer, a little wine, and a lot of ice cream are seeing me through.

But last year things changed. With The Glampette I realized I was a different person while I was on the road compared to how I felt when I was home in San Jose. While traveling I was more balanced, more calm, more like someone I used to be a long time ago. One day I realized, with a growing sense of ambivalence, that I wanted to be that person again. There was a part of me I'd rediscovered driving for hours and hours all alone on the interstates. After coming to the realization that the peaceful life my soul yearns for would forever be out of reach if I stayed in my current life, I made the difficult decision to start over.

I felt truly torn. A marriage is a commitment and I didn't take my husband's feelings or breaking the commitment I'd made six years ago lightly. But to be in a marriage means loving and giving of your heart openly, willingly, and generously. I will only say that I tried as hard as I could for as long as I could.

So why start over? I truly believe if I'm going to live the life I'm meant to live I have no choice but to move away from all that I know and move towards the unknown. In my heart I have an innate sense that it's in the mysteriousness and possibilities of the future that I'll find the full potential of who, and where, I'm meant to be.

Due to the personal nature of this topic I'm closing the comments for this post so if you have any questions or comments you'd like to share please message me via this contact form. For now the most I can promise is that I'll read every comment I receive.

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