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Tuesday, April 15, 2014

It's been four weeks since you left me

Dear Kitai,

Today marks the fourth week since the day you left me.

There have been good days and bad days but every day is a day that I miss you. Sometimes I look at the place where I know you would have been sitting at that moment and my heart breaks a little more again. But I have made progress in dealing with my grief. I've finally quelled the urge to talk to you in the trailer and car. I can now make breakfast without tearing up because you're not there to share my egg with. I can even pet other dogs without tearing up.

Imagine my surprise when I went to my PO  Box and found these beautiful pendants my friend Cheryl had made and sent to me as a surprise using the photos that Ellie Stone had taken of us shortly before you died. Cheryl had taken the photos and turned them into necklaces.

They also double as small pictures of us I can display in the trailer at all times. Which is really nice because space is at such a premium it's hard to find somewhere to actually hang a picture.

I've worn one every day since she sent them to me. I love that not only are you in my heart, I can look down and see you near my heart as well.

One night just over a week ago I was sleeping in The Glampette when I heard you bark your alert (you just saw something suspicious) bark outside the trailer. I woke up immediately and listened for you again. I only heard silence as the first light of day was breaking through the sky. I sat in the dark and felt both sad and comforted. I know I was probably dreaming but I took it as a sign that you are near me, watching over me. All I have to do is believe.

I was doing ok processing the grief but recently took a step backwards...

Together again in The Glampete

Last week I picked up your ashes. I held it together until I stepped outside the building. Tears flowed as I walked you out to the car. I'd set you in the front seat when the Fed Ex lady (who had been behind me in the office exited the building and instead of returning to her truck) walked over to console me. She was so sweet and caring. A dog lover too, she told me about losing her dog and how hard she knows it is. We hugged and I sat with you in the car until I'd composed myself enough to drive safely.

I needed to stop at my PO Box. Little did I know how it was exactly the right thing to do at exactly the right moment. I wasn't expecting anything special yet special is what I found. Two sympathy cards, with gifts included, and a thank you card. 

The thank you card was from a woman whose hit-and-run accident I had witnessed five days before you died. Remember? We were on our way to the Vet's office for your last blood draw when I not only saw the accident, I surreptitiously followed the hit-and-run vehicle long enough to get a photo of it and its license plate at a red light to give to the police. The victim got my address off of the police report and sent me a thank you for getting involved. So sweet. She did suffer what I hope was only a minor injury. The owner of the vehicle has been located but not the driver. I hope they catch him soon.

One of the sympathy cards was from my friend Cheryl, She had made me a new larger pendant, a Memory Tag, with your name, birth and death dates, and "Forever Loved" on the back. I'm going to try to figure out a way to attach this tag to your box of ashes.

I also received a book titled "Animals on the Other Side" from Laura, a friend of my friend Michelle. I've never met Laura but she is also a pet lover with a lot of empathy. When Michelle told her about Kitai and I she visited my blog then sent this very special gift. I read it and took comfort in it. There's a story there I'm saving for another day.

I've found there is much comfort to be had here in California, on the phone, and online. I swear I have the best and biggest safety net of people who have all reached out with open arms to catch and support me now that I'm on my own without you. 

Some days are easier than others. For now I just focus on getting through each one without you. The pendants are helping. Just like the first moment I saw them they can bring me to tears that are usually tears of joy, not sadness. For now and forever I will hold you in my heart my sweet little boy. I hope you are already off on a new adventure since you were always nosy and had a wanderlust that I now seem to have caught as well. Soon I will move on to a new city and state but I'll be bringing you with me both in my heart and the trailer. 

If there is a dog heaven I know what you are doing. Squeak the toys, chase the balls, and play and wrestle with the other dogs eating treats and hot dogs whenever you want them. 

I miss you and love you Kitai, you were not only the cutest dog ever, you were my best friend.

If you are interested in ordering one of Cheryl's pendants send me your contact info with a note about them and I will forward your information to Cheryl.

Updates on Kitai's Condition:

What was left of my heart is being put to the test - February 10, 2014

Kitai Update: Lymphoma and Prednisone - February 13, 2014

True Love: A girl and her dog - February 21, 2014

Kitai Update: Looking for signs - February 26, 2014

Kitai Update: Hanging in there - March 9, 2014

Kitai is almost out of time - March 17, 2014

A once in a lifetime dog. . . RIP Kitai - March 19, 2014

It's been four weeks since you left me - April 15, 2014

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